When Is It Enough?

It makes no difference if he was stalking me again, or if he interfered with my ability to get help for my children, or even if he left a nasty message in my mailbox. It makes no difference if he left a terrible phone message or he simply told me that if I do this, he will do that. My abuser has his own pattern, and your abuser has his or her own pattern.

What matters is that he did it again today.

He does it every couple of weeks.

Yes, I got an order of protection. My second for him. Yes, I have a lawyer. Yes, I'm working on "finding myself", and I am eating, praying, and loving. Yes, I have rediscovered my inner child, my psychic self, and my sexuality. Yes, I am undergoing therapy. I even decorated my apartment with a tree, and rocks, and moss: all of the things my inner child needs around her in order to feel safe.

But I don't feel safe.

My boyfriend's abusive ex-girlfriend followed us in her car yesterday, honking and swearing...

When is it enough?

When do I draw my line in the sand and say, "No more"?

Maybe today.

It Doesn't Take Much

He got to me again today.

God, it doesn't take much: 3 cell phone calls (1:43pm, 1:45pm, and 1:46pm). I finally picked up that last one, and in 1 minute and 24 seconds felt anxious, gulity, harassed, scared...

He was supposed to pick up the car at 2:30.

I'm at lunch with my boyfriend. A great lunch--romantic, sweet. He slides out of the car while Ogre is talking to me for 1 min, 24 seconds. I drive toward work. I get to work, and Ogre is standing in front of a parking spot, at the front door of my workplace.

He's scowling.

As I open the door, he comes right up to it. I put my head down, and wouldn't even know I did it except in my memory, the top part of my vision only goes up to the bottom of the window, with the corner of the window filled by red jacket.

Why am I holding the door so it doesn't hit him? I wish I could just hit him. I should bash him with it, yell, "Get out of my way!" but I don't. He wouldn't think twice of doing either of those things to me.

Instead, I slither out, feeling guilty, looking guilty. I barely open the door, not even allowing myself the permission of moving freely, not even giving myself the basic human worth of space. I hurry toward the door of work, toward escape.

"By the way," he says, and what I hear is, "I'm about to tell you something that you'd know already if you weren't so obtuse..."

"I put gas in the car last weekend," he says to me.

Do you want a cookie? I say to myself, and feel guilty. "I put $20 or $30 in it this week," I say. Why am I explaining myself?

I scurry inside.

When I get to my desk, a message.

It isn't much. The whole encounter isn't much. But it isn't in the encounter, or even the activities themselves, it's in the positioning. He had the power. I was the victim.

Again.

I’ve recounted some of the emotional and sexual abuse perpetrated by the Ogre toward me, but until very recently I have stopped short of actually classifying my marriage to the Ogre as “domestic violence”. As a hospital advocate with a crisis center, I know what Domestic Violence is. I’ve had the training regarding the cycle of violence, and the different ways perpetrators gain access and rob the victim of power and control of their own lives. So what stopped me from saying so?

In order to admit that my relationship was domestically violent, I have to admit I was a victim. I have to admit that it happened to me, and that I did not even see it for a long time. I have to admit that I allowed, through inaction, the abuse to continue. I have to admit that I should have left sooner, but didn’t. I have to admit that I was too weak even to leave for the sake of my children.

There’s also the Dysfunctional Family Rule: don’t talk about it. If I discuss any of the Ogre's transgressions, he says I am lying or overreacting, but he feels free to discuss my transgressions to everyone, including the children. I have been conditioned not to speak about David’s behavior. Even now, when the children are asking not to be hurt, the Ogre blames me, demanding “What are you trying to do?” in an intimidating voice. It is very frightening to me to bring up any of his behaviors for me or the children, because I will receive many kinds of backlash from him.

One thing that all of the Ogre's behavior has taught me is that I am acting in strong belief of my cause. I am acting on behalf of my children, to remove them from an abusive environment, and I am acting on my own behalf, to transition from a victim to a survivor. Yes, it did happen to me. It can happen to anyone, but I am strong enough to stop it now, before it gets worse, even if I couldn’t stop it sooner.

So I present a chronology of the Ogre's abusive actions, to me and toward the children, so I can show the pattern of degradation, humiliation, intimidation, and criticism that is life in the Ogre's house. I have audio recordings of some of these items, including a tactic called “gaslighting” and called “invalidation”, where someone twists reality to suit themselves, thus leaving the victim insecure in their own position.

I ask you to consider the scary, hurtful environment that Domestic violence has created, for me and for the children, and I ask you to help me eliminate that environment. I ask that the Ogre be directed to:

a. Refrain from harassment, including bringing up court-related questions (like his need for the car on Saturday) but yelling at me not to speak to him or to “leave him alone” when I respond to statements or ask him for the car for my on-call shift Saturday.

b. Refrain from jokes at my expense in front of the children (Little One mentioned that he had said I was belly dancing and the Ogre had responded, “Well, she has the belly for it”) This includes refraining from practical jokes like driving the car forward when I reach for the handle.

c. Refrain from put-downs and criticism about me or my significant other, whether in my presence or in front of the children

d. Refrain from interrogating the children about what they ate, what they did, etc. when they are with me.

e. Refrain from derogatory insinuations, threats of future activity (“Just you wait”), intimidation tactics (“so you’re not willing to work this out” and “You’re trying for full custody”, “What are you doing?”Stated forcefully and repeated until I say something), belittling comments (“I know you…”said in a negative tone in front of the Little One), Accusations of lying (which can also be taken as discussing the complaint, which he has been forbidden to do by the Judge).

f. Refrain from derogatory actions, such as driving away if I am late to be picked up (which cannot happen if we are not in the car together ever) , being excessively late (more than 10 minutes) to a meeting/dropping off children, or taking me on errands against my will when he is supposed to be dropping me off.

g. Refrain from yelling, shouting, etc.

h. Refrain from repetitive or excessive telephoning (he hangs up on me then calls me right back to yell at me more)

Thank you.