New "Scariest Damn Thing"

If initiating the divorce was "the scariest damn think I've done so far," today a new "scariest damn thing" arrived: today I told the world why I want and need a divorce. Today I discussed in detail why I had to leave. Today, for the first time, I had someone understand the extent of the abusive situation I was in, and why it impacted agreements we had made, and what it means to be under his threats.

I found a very good article, which changed my mind about why I was being so protective of him. It's called "Love and the Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser".

It does a great job explaining why victims try to appease their abusers: because it lowers "victim stress". Which is very simple, but people fail to see it.

I've made decisions over the past year simply to appease him, or to prevent him from going off and making my life miserable, and the lives of people around me. Life becomes "How do I keep him quiet?"

The judge seemed to understand this, and I was so relieved, I couldn't help but cry. It was "finally! someone understands!" moment.

Of course, she made no decisions, and she understands that all she has is my side of the story, so I will have to make sure I bring my several-months-long log of things he did.

Which sounds so petty, but it's the only way to show how these things add up over time.

Sigh.

Scary, but done. The ball is rolling. I'm trying to acknowledge why I am ambivalent about it (stockholm syndrome), and move on, but it is hard.