The trick of integrating my life is hard, too.
Here we go….
OK, so the trick I'm learning--that I've been learning--is that I'm not seven different people. I am not a mother separate from a girlfriend, separate from a worker-bee, separate from an artist, etc., etc.
All of these people are me, and functioning in one role does not mean that I can't do the things from the other role. It's like I need one massive To-Do list, that's categorized by the role...but again, it doesn't matter what role it is. Hell, half the time it doesn't even matter if I do something at home or at work; it all blurs into the same thing.
Getting organized, getting my life on track, staying on top of the activities and the needs of everyone, especially myself (I have to remind myself, because I'm healing and I don't always remember to take care of myself), all of that is chaotic and scary.
And it doesn't help me to have with-it people telling me how to do it, because you know what? They've found their way and that's great, but their way isn't always my way. And my way hasn't been found yet. And they're not going to be the ones to find my way...I am.
So I know you mean well, all you wannabe Franklin Covey's out there. I know you think that telling me that "breaking down things in small chunks will help me feel better" will help me feel better, but it actually makes me feel MORE overwhelmed. Because if you had any clue as to how many things I do in a day, for how many different people including myself, you'd have your own heart attack.
I'm not overwhelmed because I don't know how to deal with goals and plans. I'm overwhelmed because I don't deal with them. I can break them down to bits, but if I don't clean out the kitty litter, the kitty litter doesn't get cleaned out.
Oh yeah, I have to buy cat food.
Don't add a list of "shoulds" to my burden. I know what I should do, but the question is what will I do today and tomorrow. And I may not do much today, and I may do four times the amount you do today, I don't know. But in the end, I have to live with it, not you. So quit telling me how I should do it, and either help me do it or get out of my way.
OK, that rant aside....
Integration and synthesis
No, we're not doing calculus any time soon. That's not what I mean about integration. I mean putting my Inner Child in the same room with my Mommy-side, and making sure that their needs are met. Some of their needs include needing to be expressed from time-to-time. It's a good thing I have supplies for that:
- Paint
- Paper
- Charcoal
- Clay
- Construction Paper
- Scissors
- Pipe Cleaners
- Pom-poms (the little craft ones, not the cheer-leader kind)
Everything one needs for some major expression.
Now, before anyone gets on my case about expressing the Inner Child too much and the Mom too little, let me just set the record straight here. The mom and the Inner child can express equally well through any medium. The variety just makes sure that if they wish to express in different media, they can.
But before this all becomes a chore (I'm exploring Self-Defense today, too), let's be sure to note that all of this is optional. Because I have actual chores I need to do, like change the kitty litter, buy cat food, eat dinner, etc.
But something feels trapped inside of me. Not like it's trapped on the inside, but something that lives inside of me is feeling trapped.
Sometimes it's rage that feels stuck. There's a lot of quivering and inappropriate crying (inappropriate because crying isn't a rage-response, it's a repression-of-rage-response)
Sometimes it's fear that that feels stuck. The fraidy-cat in me, the real victim-victim, sometimes gets stuck inside and can't show me how afraid she really is. That's when everyone thinks I'm OK, but inside I'm crawling and puling and dying.
Sometimes it's creativeness and light that gets stuck, and then I feel anxious.
Sometimes it's anxiety that gets stuck, and I feel hopeless.
Sometimes it's sadness that gets stuck, and I feel irritated with everyone.
When won't I be so fucked up?
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