A Note On Co-Dependence (If that's OK with You)

Dr. Irene (whose website is a must-see for anyone who feels they may be in an abusive relationship), describes codependency in useful terms here.

In the Care Taking section, I scored 23/25.
Low Self-Worth: 24/31
Repression: 2/3
Obsession: 6/13 (Hey!)
Controlling: 6/8
Denial: 10/15
Dependency: 11/26 (I’m getting better)
Poor Communication: 18/33
Weak Boundaries: 8/8
Lack of Trust: 7/7
Anger: 9/16
Sex Problems: (Now, I receive a 4/18, in my marriage, it was 18/18).
Misc: 1/16
Progressive (now, 0, in my marriage, 11/12)

But what is codependency? Wikipedia has a pretty good spread, in the first few paragraphs.

Basically, it’s putting other people first, to the detriment of yourself. It encompasses all the thinking and feeling that goes along with it. And it has to be a pattern of behavior. Over-committing yourself does not make you codependent.

I noticed this, because, of course, we take a lot of our problems with us, and in my current relationship, I just woke up to a long section of codependence, which helped make us both miserable. Of course, my current relationship partner is codependent as well. You should see us trying to decide what to have for dinner:

HIM: “What would you like to eat, honey?”
ME: “I don’t know. What are you in the mood for?”
HIM: “I’ll have whatever you’re having.”
ME: “I’m not that hungry; you decide.”
HIM: “Well, I could go for pizza…or maybe Chinese…”
ME: “Sure, those sound good.”
HIM: “But which one?”
ME: “I don’t know.”

Sigh (which is also a codependent behavior: indirectly expressing emotions instead of just saying, “this is exasperating”).

But I did find a nice “Recovery Patterns of Codependence” pdf from “Codependents Anonymous”. Although I have never tried the 12 steps and have no desire to try them, this pdf gives thought patterns and then the Challenge Thoughts, which is useful with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Mindfulness, etc.

And a lot of the “Recovery Patterns” deal with Mindfulness, which is also a trend I’m seeing from the universe recently in my life.

Trends in the Universe

Yeah, about that. Synchronicity, or patterns that must be more than mere coincidence. Divine Intervention… In my life recently, the following have been the synchronicities I’ve been seeing:

1) Engage the “Right Hemisphere” (although we know now that the hemisphere’s aren’t as separated as we thought in the 1980’s, there is still enough pop-culture knowledge of Right Brain/Left Brain that most people know what I mean. Right-brain activities include meditation, art, sex, exercising, prayer, imagining/visualizing, music.
2) Be Mindful: in emotions, in weight loss. Being mindful seems to be echoing through the cosmos right at me.
3) Take care of yourself and your boundaries First. This is something I’ve never been good at, but not only are people asking me about it in their own lives, but in my life, too, my strife comes from not respecting my own boundaries or taking care of myself.

A friend of mine would say that we are co-creators through Spirit, and we see in our lives what we ask the Universe to show us.

I’ve had enough experience with this phenomenon (as an occasionally fundamentalist Christian, this would be called Divine Intervention or the working of the Holy Spirit), that I do see it, and I’m not surprised by it. Right now, agnostic as I am, I can’t tell if it’s the collective unconscious, my own co-creation, God, or what. But I do see the patterns, and I am trying to learn.

What’s funny is that the way out of codependence, and the way out of my weight problem, my posture problem, my spiritual-crisis problem, my blah-life problem, is all the same. Use my right brain, be mindful, guard my boundaries.

So maybe I should get on that right now…

Today I’m supposed to pick up “The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns And Reclaiming Yourself” by Beverly Engel.

And I feel very good about that step.

Being Psychic and Female Sexuality

I’ve been studying being psychic the last few weeks. How to become psychic, what kinds of psychic I want to be, what to do about becoming the kind of psychic I want to be.

It kind of dovetails with the whole female sexuality subject I’ve also been studying. How, I’m not really sure, but I know there’s a connection here for me.

Women’s intuition, you could say.

I think I am studying these things because I ignored and repressed both in my marriage. Psychic powers are considered bad in church, generally speaking. So is female sexuality, really. And both are very powerful, and very important to me. I’d like to learn about palmistry and oneiromancy (the study and interpretation of dreams), telepathy and empathy, clairvoyance, etc. I believe in ESP, in that we seem to know when something truly terrible is going to happen, déjà vu, and sometimes we know our siblings or friends are upset from hundreds of miles away.

And female sexuality, well…I realized I had been experiencing male sexuality more than female sexuality, which is much different. It was results-oriented and generally businesslike. A “let’s get to the happy finish” proposition…not really any fun for me. Worse, I generally did it because someone else wanted to. By going through my personal history, I was able to find three people I was with because I was attracted to them. Three. Out of many times many.

That’s a lot of doing it when I didn’t want to.

Now, shame on me for doing it when I didn’t want to. But shame on others for thinking that pressured sex is good sex. My bf now can tell when I’m not really into it, and it was so long since I was into it that I didn’t even know what “into it” felt like. 30 years old and I didn’t even know major things about my body and my sexuality. I don’t know what I like in bed, believe it or not. But I can tell you what he’ll like, or what she’ll like. Just not me.

And I also found, writing out my timeline and my personal history, that I’ve been subject to sexual harassment, rape, etc. far more than I would have thought. And that I’ve never been more than a year without a boyfriend, or more than six months without a sex partner.

Fascinating.

So much to explore!

New "Scariest Damn Thing"

If initiating the divorce was "the scariest damn think I've done so far," today a new "scariest damn thing" arrived: today I told the world why I want and need a divorce. Today I discussed in detail why I had to leave. Today, for the first time, I had someone understand the extent of the abusive situation I was in, and why it impacted agreements we had made, and what it means to be under his threats.

I found a very good article, which changed my mind about why I was being so protective of him. It's called "Love and the Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser".

It does a great job explaining why victims try to appease their abusers: because it lowers "victim stress". Which is very simple, but people fail to see it.

I've made decisions over the past year simply to appease him, or to prevent him from going off and making my life miserable, and the lives of people around me. Life becomes "How do I keep him quiet?"

The judge seemed to understand this, and I was so relieved, I couldn't help but cry. It was "finally! someone understands!" moment.

Of course, she made no decisions, and she understands that all she has is my side of the story, so I will have to make sure I bring my several-months-long log of things he did.

Which sounds so petty, but it's the only way to show how these things add up over time.

Sigh.

Scary, but done. The ball is rolling. I'm trying to acknowledge why I am ambivalent about it (stockholm syndrome), and move on, but it is hard.

My Declaration of Independence

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one Person to dissolve the psychological bands which have subjugated her to others, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle her, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that she should declare the causes which impel her to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, boundaries are instituted around individuals, limiting the accepted behaviors of others, deriving their just powers from the respect of those boundaries of others, That whenever any person’s behavior becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Recipient to require the alteration or abolishment of it, and to determine acceptable behavior and the consequence of noncompliance, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing her powers in such form, as to her shall seem most likely to effect her Safety and Happiness. Prudence and Politesse, indeed, will dictate that behaviors long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce her, it is her right, it is her duty, to throw off such behaviors or perpetrators of such behaviors, and to provide new Guards for her future security.

I, therefore, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, do solemnly publish and declare, That this Woman is, and of Right ought to be, a Free and Independent Person; that she is Absolved from all subjugation of others, that all responsibilities toward the happiness of others, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent Person, she has full Power to decide her own feelings and behaviors, to claim her rights to privacy and freedom from Manipulation, Insult, and Injury, the right to petition for Time Alone and moments in which to Meditate or Collect her Thoughts, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent People may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, I pledge to myself my life, Fortune, and on my sacred Honor pledge to respect of the above Rights of all others.

Celebrating Firsts

It’s funny now, to be celebrating firsts after celebrating lasts. But perhaps that is the best thing to do.

I did leave.

I did initiate the divorce.

It was the scariest damn thing I have done so far.

I have begun therapy, not only with a life coach, but with myself on my own time.

So now I celebrate firsts: the first holiday with the kids done my way, without the endless demands to be the perfect family, instead of the perfect family we already are, with all of our foibles and flaws.

This year, Thanksgiving will be about giving thanks, and not about trying not to spill on the table cloth (at least while they are with me. They will continue their other tradition later in the day).

Today is the first day of my journey, and every day has been the first day of my journey ever since July 23.

Happy Firsts, for sure.