NOW, It's over.

I just rediscovered this blog (and a post I never posted on it) today.

Today, several years after the split. Since then, I'm still in court, battling over the children. My mother has died, leaving me bereft after we finally patched things up.

But some good things have unexpectedly happened as well:

My boyfriend is now my husband (Thank you, Colorado comon-law)

I go entire days and weeks without thinking about the Ogre.

I am strong. I stick up for myself and I shoot arrows with alarming accuracy.

And, what really makes it Over:
I no longer will be ashamed of things that people did to me. 

I started a new blog, which hopefully I'll self-publish up on its completion, called "Talking Back".  In it, I discuss some of the things that were happening in my life at the time of my mother's journal entries, as well as my real reaction to those entries. I finally name names and accept what others did to me and what I did to myself.  I finally let things go.

And that's what makes it "Over": letting things go.

Yes, I was in an abusive relationship. That doesn't mean I deserved it. That's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I can be proud: I survived. I got away. My children aren't away, but I have the law finally protecting them and curbing his abusive behavior toward them. They are empowered to call the police if they need it. Soon they will be living with us and visiting Ogre, instead of the other way around.

It's not "happily ever after", but it's real life, being lived now, and being unburdened by the things others have done.

It's Over, so something new has just begun.

A Time To Cry

I cried for over four hours straight yesterday.

I left work, because I couldn't make it stop.

It was the first time I went home because I was upset, and not away. And I stayed home, even though my poor boyfriend had things he wanted to do, I stayed home and asked him to stay home, and he was super-supportive about the whole thing.

There wasn't any one thing that set it off, really. I went to the gym, had a fantastic workout. I felt great. People were being mean to me the day before, I heard, so I wrote a little note to the people.

And then I started to wonder why people want to hurt me. It seems a lot of people go out of their way to hurt me, and I wonder why.

And then the tears started, and I couldn't stop it. I tried to stop it for an hour, I think. I finally gave up.